JD Schramm: Break the silence for suicide attempt survivors

This week’s TED Weekends on the Huffington Post emphasizes the importance of having an honest conversation about the taboo of suicide in order to help people in this at-risk situation. Below, find open and thoughtful essays on the subject.

JD Schramm: Revealing a Heartbreaking Secret on the TED Stage

My sharing of John’s story was my first attempt to spark a conversation about the taboo subject of suicide, and in particular the challenge of coming back from an attempt and choosing life. It worked well enough to bring more than a half million viewers to see it. It’s been lovingly translated into 39 languages by volunteers and shown at numerous TEDx events around the world. I said in the talk that I was trying to “start a conversation worth having about an idea worth spreading.” That idea is determining how best to support the many people who attempt suicide but fail and seek to return to life.

What I’ve learned since the privilege of delivering this talk and then having TED put it online has been profound. Read the full essay »

Lea Lane: What I’ve Learned from My Best Friend’s Suicide

Sometimes, especially when a person seems to have a satisfying life, we dismiss suicidal signals that would otherwise alert us. I know this first-hand.

Delia had a loving husband, two adorable and adoring young daughters, an 18th-century farmhouse filled with antiques. She was smart, kind, beautiful, active in the community and was revered in our Westchester County village, north of New York City.

When I moved to a nearby house with my first husband and two young sons, she came over with a bouquet of garden flowers to welcome us. I was charmed by her grace and warmth, and we soon became best friends. Read the full essay »

Mary Robin Craig: Faith-filled responses to suicide

During one of those interminable sleepless nights that followed the death of my oldest son, I crept downstairs in the dark and logged on to the computer to explore the views of the Christian Church on suicide. I was a midlife seminary student but, like most people, my knowledge of religious attitudes toward suicide was limited. I knew that suicide had been condemned by the early church and that those who died of suicide were once understood to be sinners of the worst sort, headed straight for hell. I knew that churches had at some point come to recognize that mental illness may reduce a person’s capacity to make decisions and, therefore, his or her responsibility for a self-inflicted death. My hours on the computer that terrible night revealed little beyond that basic information.

Five years have passed and I have learned a great deal more about the attitudes of both the general public and the clergy toward suicide. I now realize that our family benefited tremendously from knowledgeable attitudes toward mental illness and from the generosity of religious authorities. Read the full essay »

Judy Macdonald Johnston speaks at TED University, where audience members from TED2013 get the chance to speak.

“What would be a good end of life?” Judy MacDonald Johnston asks in today’s talk, given at TED2013. Her answer — based on her own experience of helping two friends face death in a way that respected the incredible life they’d built — involves five practices, all of which can help maintain a high quality of life even as independence and bodily function decline.

Judy MacDonald Johnston: Prepare for a good end of lifeFirst, make a plan, which means “answering straightforward questions about the end you want.” Second, recruit advocates who have “the time and proximity to do this job well” and can thrive under the unique pressures of this task. Third, prepare important documents — like summaries of your medical history — for the hospital. Fourth, select caregivers who fit your needs and desires, which might take a few tries. And fifth, ponder and discuss last words: “What do you want to hear at the very end and from whom would you like to hear it?”

We talk about how to live the good life all the time. And yet, though we all face death, we’re less willing to talk about what would be a good conclusion to life. Here, some further reading, watching and listening on this hard but important topic.

1. Read: This Wild Darkness. In the mid-‘90s, Harold Brodkey wrote a series of essays, mostly for The New Yorker, about his experiences and emotions as he died of AIDS. In these essays — subsequently published in a single volume as This Wild Darkness: The Story of My Death — Brodkey reckons with the realities of both his impending death and, through that lens, his life. His style can be self-aggrandizing, but ultimately, the book acts as a case study of how self-reflection through writing can make nearing death a little bit less terrifying. “The obsession with literary power games, with recognition and reputation, gradually subsides and gives way to something like acceptance,” Michiko Kakutani wrote in The New York Times upon the book’s publication.
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2. Watch: A Will for the Woods. The new documentary A Will for the Woods, featured in our roundup 9 documentaries that you need to see in 2013, follows psychiatrist Clark Wang as he battles lymphoma and arranges his own burial. His resolve for a burial that helps, rather than harms, the environment spawns the first natural burial ground in the state of North Carolina. The film’s website notes that green burials were the norm “before the contemporary funeral industry propagated expensive and elaborate funerals as traditional,” and applauds the growing demand for them now.
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3. Bookmark: The Hospice Foundation. The Hospice Foundation of America offers several quite lovely pages (and for-sale booklets) about approaching your own, or a loved one’s, death. A page entitled “Signs of Approaching Death” explains what death looks like in a purely practical sense—something we don’t and can’t know the first time we confront it. The unknown tends to frighten us most, so having a bit more advanced warning of what’s to come might serve as a comfort. For example, the site explains that as you near death, fluid can build up in your lungs, casing a rattling as you breathe. “This breathing sound is often distressing to caregivers but it is not an indication of pain or suffering,” the site assures us. (There are also practical sections, as on advance care planning.)
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4. Bookmark: New Old Age. The New York Times’ “New Old Age” blog, which Johnston links to on her own website, explores what it’s like to care for adults over age 80.  Recent posts are on Vermont’s passage of the ‘Aid in Dying’ measure, a look at a recent study on dementia units, and what millennials need to ask their parents while they can.
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5. Listen: “When Prolonging Death Seems Worse Than Death.” Last year, Fresh Air’s Terry Gross interviewed Judith Schwarz, of the nonprofit Compassion & Choices, about end-of-life decisions for the terminally ill. In the interview, Schwarz argues that terminally ill patients should have the right to choose to die sooner. Beyond dealing with the realities of what terminal illness means, the interview offers a thoughtful, compassionate way of looking at the multiple and varied desires of the dying. That is: it’s a lesson in empathy and a reminder that though some ideas may frighten us, it behooves us to look at them in depth. In the story, Schwarz also prods us to consider what it really is like to live through a painful end-of-life, and suggests that in some cases, death is not the worst option on the table. And that’s okay.
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6. Bookmark: Seven Ponds. The website Seven Ponds aims to “promote a healthy attitude towards the process of death by encouraging a meaningful experience that is in harmony with the environment.” Their recommendations: cremation and natural burials (see #2, above!). “We see a world where everyone can experience death in their own personal way and feel it’s all okay,” writes Suzette Sherman, Seven Ponds’ founder. For her blog, go here.
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7. Watch: “Older, and Unafraid to Talk about It.” This New York Times interactive video gallery presents the stories of three seniors who have recently started therapy to work through the changes they’re facing as they near the ends of their lives. “I’m surrounded by people who are old, and I had to come to grips with that,” an 87-year-old woman says. And, from an 86-year-old man: “You can’t do the things you used to do. You can’t go where you wanted. People look at you differently. What psychiatry does is help you go through the problems and adjust your thinking.”

Volunteer firefighter Mark Bezos kicks off the hour with a story of a small, seemingly insignificant act of heroism. Through a tiny act of kindness, he realizes the dozens of possibilities we have in a day to be heroes in our own humble ways. Next, self-named “renegade ecolutionary” Ron Finley describes the garden that he began on the sidewalk in front of his house in South Central Los Angeles, meant for anyone to eat from. Finley expresses the importance of the yin and yang of giving and receiving — one cannot simply take, but must create a cycle of giving.

The second half of the show continues with Dan Pallotta, who wonders why we are so much more willing to invest in a private company’s enterprises than we are to donate to a non-profit. Pallotta stresses the paradigm shift that we need to enact — away from viewing non-profits as things that must produce results in the here-and-now to seeing them as organizations that can grow and thrive on long-term investments. Amanda Palmer closes the show, sharing her experience as a musician in a budding economy built on trust. As she talks, she emphasizes the importance of the simple act of asking when you need something — and the joy that comes from the connection found through mutual support.

To hear TED Radio Hour’s “Giving It Away,” check your local NPR schedule to find out when the show airs today. Or listen to it via NPR’s website »

Head to iTunes, where the podcast is available now »

Meg Jay’s talk on 20-somethings from TED2013 has started some very intense conversations online. Here, excerpts. Photo: James Duncan Davidson

Monday’s TED Talk, “Meg Jay: Why 30 is not the new 20,” has been a runaway hit: five days later, it has nearly 600,000 views and almost 200 comments on TED.com alone. Commenters of all ages have offered personal anecdotes, helpful resources and a fair dose of criticism, many writing about the hope and/or confusion and/or fear that the talk brought up for them. Meg Jay: Why 30 is not the new 20People are watching — and people are reacting.

Clearly, clinical psychologist Meg Jay has struck a nerve. As writer Thu-Huong Ha pointed out on the TED Blog earlier this week, the talk’s focus on the millennial generation has plenty of company at the moment (hello, TIME Magazine) — but still the conversation is far from over. So what’s going on? What makes “spend your 20s thinking ahead” such a provocative and polarizing message?

It’s only a sensible piece of advice, but what it ultimately gets at is much deeper. As Jay wrote in a live discussion with the TED community on Wednesday, “Making the most of your life is a scary topic when you think about it.” No matter how old you are, there’s never anyone to tell you for certain whether you’re doing it right. When someone points to nagging worries, it generates both angst and appreciation.

Below, some of the comments from TED’s online community, staff and extended network, expressing their wise and varied insights on this talk:

“I don’t regret for a second that I followed Phish instead of corporate America in my 20s. I’m glad I spent my formative adult years being filled with bliss. I have colorful memories and life experiences that give me a richness beyond money. Value your 20s, don’t spend it getting corralled into being part of the herd!” – Elisa Allechant, commenting on Jay’s talk page

“I’m a former higher education administrator and I was appalled at the dependency of college kids. Parents babied their children to the point where they didn’t learn important life skills. … Quite frankly, I think 20-somethings need to take responsibility, be held accountable and not need Mommy and Daddy until they are in their 30s. It’s pathetic.” – Adrianne Hanusek, commenting on Facebook

“For me, Jay is really dealing with some of the most fundamental questions of philosophy: What is the good life? And how do I live it? … I think an essential part of the good life is finding satisfaction with your qualities as an individual notwithstanding relative achievements. Doing that requires perspective and doing that requires accruing experiences for their own sake.” – TEDxTalks Manager David Webber, responding to Jay’s talk via email

“They say old people are ‘set in their ways.’ I think the implication from her talk is that this process is hugely rooted in your 20s. That’s where a somewhat self-aware person can change habits, mannerisms, how they treat people, etc. I think that’s what a lot of people miss the boat on. I started working at the local store at age 16 [and saw that] employees all fell into only two categories: young kids needing to make a quick buck, and unhappy adults who seemed dreadfully stuck where they were. Most of these people had higher aspirations. When did most of them begin working at this store? You guessed it, in their 20s. They settled for something less, thinking it was just temporary. Maybe if they had done some of the things Meg Jay was talking about, they wouldn’t still be there today.” – Ryan Ganzenmuller, commenting on Facebook

“In this economic climate, all too often the efforts made in this decade are rendered all for naught because of some financially catastrophic event or another. The absence of job security has had many twentysomethings bounce from one short-term assignment to another. … For me and many others, 30 being the new 20 is a philosophy of survival and regrowth, not some excuse for putting off our responsibilities.” – Omar Spence, commenting on Jay’s talk page

“There always was, is and will be a pressure of the 20s and it is indeed the defining time, at least professionally. Twentysomethings can complain of that as long as they like, say it is not fair, blah blah — it is not going to change. Most worthy employers will not have sympathy if you have not achieved anything by age 30 … If you can’t have fun and build your career and relationships while doing that — well, too bad. Up to you what will be your priority.” – Alyona Trubitsina, commenting on Facebook

“This is really not a problem in China. From the moment you graduate, you are under the pressure to get an apartment, a car and finally a girlfriend and a wife. … Young people are pushed in way too early to their 30 age.” – 向彬 李, commenting on Jay’s talk page

“It seems like twentysomethings are always told how great their age is and that they shouldn’t worry about major goals; Meg instead chooses to proceed with a challenging message that I think only the few open-minded individuals can truly enjoy and reap the benefits of.” – Alex Katzen, commenting on Facebook

“As a 25-year-old woman, I find Meg Jay’s approach to relationships, love, and work to be vastly oversimplified. So much beauty and enrichment lie in the unexpected events that we cannot prepare for, if we can allow room for those events to unfold and influence the path we are taking — whether we are teenagers or senior citizens. In other words, if we plan and plot too heavily in our 20s, we may not experience as many serendipitous developments, connections and opportunities for growth.” – TED’s Projects Coordinator Cloe Shasha, responding to Jay’s talk over email

“I’m 24. I blew the last two years living with my parents pointlessly sending out resumes. No social life. I’ve finally got an unpaid internship doing what I want, but every day I think about my life passing me by. Advice from me to other college grads: Sending out resumes is pointless! Network, network, and network some more! That’s the only way to do it.” – Michael Baxter, commenting on Jay’s talk page

“I enjoyed your book! However, I felt the book was targeted to a very specific demographic — upper/middle class economic status, well-educated, looking for a heterosexual relationship. What are your thoughts on this?” – TED’s Customer Support Specialist Becky Chung, commenting  during Jay’s live chat with the TED community

Jay responded to this question, and gave honest and compassionate responses to many others as well, in a TED Conversation earlier this week.  She wrote in response to Chung’s challenge, “I actually disagree. Research shows that people in all income brackets get new jobs through weak ties; that’s good advice for everyone. Both gay and straight adults do want marriages/partners/families; in fact, that’s what marriage equality is all about. And the concept of identity capital can be liberating for those who can’t afford college or who don’t do well in school; one good piece of identity capital or one lead from a weak tie can trump someone with a 4.0 from an Ivy who doesn’t know how to get in the game.”

What’s certain is this: For twentysomethings and former-twentysomethings alike, the questions touched on in the talk are worth discussing. The surrounding conversation has been incredibly genuine and mature, and in Jay’s opinion, this is hardly by-the-by.

“People underestimate how interested twentysomethings are in the topic. Part of the cultural myth is that they don’t care,” says Jay, defending this generation that often gets a bad rep. “It isn’t just parents emailing me their thoughts, it’s twentysomethings themselves.”

In spite of the discomfort and uncertainty that the talk raised for some viewers, it seems to be truly forcing self-examination – an important step towards living with intent. And one of the beautiful things about these reactions is how they’ll change over time. TEDx Post-event Coordinator Tahlia Hein says that her thoughts on the topic have changed in a span of four short years.

“If you had asked me at 23 what I thought, I’d have probably said that she had no real appreciation for being young. I would have said that those freeing experiences are an invaluable part of what it means to be young,” she says. “Now [at 27], I think I was half right: They are invaluable, but there is no such thing as the mythical ‘young.’ There’s just life.”

Jullien Gordon, a founding partner of New Higher, says on the TEDxYouth@Midwest stage , “Our generation has two choices, we can hope or we can hustle.”

Earlier this month, 450 Chicago public school sophomores and juniors, plus 120 of their teachers, crowded into the city’s Harris Theater for TEDxYouth@Midwest, an event all about inspiring, motivating and empowering the young people of a city known for youth gun violence, but full of so much more — culture, history, educators and students dedicated to helping their city thrive.

Chicago’s public schools have been a fixture in the news lately. 54 schools in the city are slated to close in 2013, and according to reports in The Chicago Tribune, the 2011-12 school year brought the highest number of public school students affected by gunfire since 2008. Twenty-four students were killed; 319 students shot.

At TEDxYouth@Midwest, organizers strove to turn the focus from problems, and keep it focused on the potential. 17 speakers addressed the audience, including people like guerrilla gardener Ron Finley, who is planting gardens in South Central LA; Dr. Benjamin Harrison, a researcher working on growing replacement tissue for patients who have lost their own; and Chicago native Zoe Damacela, who started her own apparel line as a high school student in the city.

This year, TEDxYouth@Midwest launched their TEDxMidwest Youth Connections Program, a project pairing TEDxYouth@Midwest students with career experiences designed to open the doors to potential careers — from job shadowing to summer internships to discussions with local entrepreneurs. Through the program, 35 TEDxYouth@Midwest student attendees found summer internships and, next year, the team at TEDxYouth@Midwest hopes to raise that number to 100.

“The event was levels better because of the students’ infectious energy, and its potential to really have a life-changing effect on hundreds of kids and teachers,” said Mike Hettwer, who co-organized the event with

Linda Stone.

“The speakers were so motivated to speak there.”

The immediate effects of the event shone in students’ responses to comment cards asking how their thinking changed throughout the event. Some of their responses are truly incredible. A sampling:

I used to think… “That once you made a bad decision, that was it for you. People say you write your life’s story in ink — if you make a mistake there is no way to erase it. You are done!”
Now I think… “That I should no longer aim for perfection, but rather strive for success. Success is not measured by how many times you fall, but actually choosing to get up once more then you fall.” 

I used to think…”That you have to use violence in order to make peace.”
Now I think… “But I realize that I can use peace to make peace.”

I used to think… “That because I am considered a minority, I would not be able to do amazing things I really want to do.”
Now I think… “That I can do anything I set my mind to if I do not let anything hold me back. Only I can prevent myself from achieving my goals and my passion.”

I used to think… “I couldn’t get out of Hell.”
Now I think… “I can with Mellody Hobson’s speech.”

I used to think… “I was one of the few teenagers passionate about science.”
Now I think… “TED is all about diversity of ideas and other people are as passionate about science as I am.”

I used to think… “If you come from a broken home, would live in a broken future.”
Now I think… “You can shape your own future and get away from the brokeness.”

I used to think… “This was going to be a long boring program with weird snacks.”
Now I think… “This experience has been the best experience in my whole entire life.”

The audience at TEDxYouth@Midwest was made up of sophomores and juniors.

Dave Gallo, Director of Special Projects at Woods Hole Oceanographic Institution (WHOI) talks about the deep sea and its deep secrets.

One of the amazing comment carders from TEDxYouth@Midwest.

Read much more about TEDx and its extraordinary constellation of events on the TEDx Blog »

TED translator Khalid Marbou at work in the nanotechnology lab.

TED Talks are available in 100 languages, from Albanian to Vietnamese, thanks to the tireless work of our volunteer translators. So far, more than 10,000 volunteers have created upwards of 40,000 talk translations — and every week, the TED Blog brings you a Q&A with one of them. Today, meet Khalid Marbou.

1. Where do you live and what do you do by day?

I was born and raised in Tiznit, Morocco, and live in Cyberjaya, Malaysia, where I’m pursuing a bachelor’s degree in nanotechnology engineering. Aside from my studies, I spend most of my day online keeping in touch with friends and relatives — blogging, translating, reading and working on different projects in Malaysia and Morocco. 

2. What drew you to TED?

Many factors made me into a TED fanatic, but I would say that the most influential of them is my constant search for inspiration and intellectual stimulation. Before TED, I found small doses of inspiration reading novels and watching movies, but when I first discovered TED, it gave me a jolt. It’s never ceased to inspire me to this day.

3. What was the first talk you translated and how did you pick it?

Charles Fleischer insists: All things are MoleedsMy first talk was Charles Fleischer’s “All things are Moleeds.” Most of the other translators avoided the talk because of its complexity and richness – it has made-up words and expressions — but I liked Charles’ sense of humor and wanted to share it with my friends, so they could understand it. I picked it up both as a challenge and as a test to see how prepared I would be for complex translation tasks. I managed to finish it within a day, and picked up another talk right away.

4. What have been your favorite talks to translate? Why?

Beau Lotto + Amy O’Toole: Science is for everyone, kids includedI would say Beau Lotto + Amy O’Toole’s talk: “Science is for everyone, kids included.” First, because I am very passionate about science communication and involving kids in scientific activities. I’ve been working on implementing similar initiatives in Moroccan schools and raising awareness about the subject in general. And second, having attended TEDGlobal2012, I saw Beau and Amy onstage and was tremendously amazed and excited. I said to myself, “That’s a talk I want to spend hours translating.” And I did.

5. Which talk was the most difficult for you to translate and why?

The most challenging talk for me was indeed that first talk I translated, “All things are Moleeds.”

6. What’s a phrase in your language that you wish would catch on globally?

I’d like to share a quote from my native language, Tamazight:

“أورا تمون أبلا إيح ترعي”

Which translates into:

“It won’t get organized unless it first gets all messy.”

Maria Bezaitis: The surprising need for strangeness “When we’re at our best, we reach out to people who are not like us because when we do that, we learn,” says Bezaitis, in this talk given at TED@Intel. “In today’s digital world, strangers are quite frankly not the point. The point we should be worried about is how much strangeness are we getting?”

To hear what she means by this, watch the talk. And below, check out more talks on the great things that can happen when we talk to people we don’t already know.

Hannah Brencher: Love letters to strangersHannah Brencher: Love letters to strangers Hannah Brencher doesn’t just start casual chats with strangers – she writes them intimate, handwritten letters. In this talk from the TED@NewYork salon, Brencher explains how she lifted herself out of her post-college depression by leaving letters for strangers to find – and how this grew into a worldwide initiative intended to give anyone who needs it a boost.

Frank Warren: Half a million secretsFrank Warren: Half a million secrets PostSecret.com is a place that uses the anonymity of the internet to allow strangers to tell each other their deepest secrets — the things they would never dare to tell loved ones. In this talk from TED2012, Frank Warren shares how he developed this site, and reveals just a few of the half-million therapeutic secrets that have been sent to him.

Robin Chase: Excuse me, may I rent your car?Robin Chase: Excuse me, may I rent your car? Sure, you might give directions to a stranger if they ask you on the street. But would you loan them your car? In this talk from TEDGlobal 2012, Robin Chase of Zipcar outlines her latest idea – Buzzcar, a French startup that lets people rent their cars to others, including people they don’t know, in a protected, good-for-all-involved way.

Rachel Botsman: The case for collaborative consumptionRachel Botsman: The case for collaborative consumption Human beings are wired to share. And a new slate of online businesses are providing avenues to match “Person A’s haves with Person C’s wants,” says Rachel Botsman. In this talk from TEDxSydney, she shares the underpinnings of this new economy that depends on a wide network of strangers cooperating.

Jane McGonigal: Gaming can make a better worldJane McGonigal: Gaming can make a better world Strangers gather to play online games like World of Warcraft for a total of three billion hours a week. In this talk from TED2010, game designer Jane McGonigal shows how that collaborative power could be used to tackle real-world problems like poverty, climate change and obesity. (Here, read about 10 online games with a social purpose.)

Hyeonseo Lee: My escape from North KoreaHyeonseo Lee: My escape from North Korea In this powerful talk from TED2013, Hyeonseo Lee explains how a stranger helped her bail her family out of jail as she helped them escape from North Korea. She says, “The kind stranger symbolized new hope for me – and for the North Korean people when we needed it most.”

Bonus: In the TED Book, How Did You End Up Here?: The Surprising Ways Our Questions Connect Us, Davy Rothbart compiles 100 brilliant questions to help you break the ice with strangers. In this interview with the TED Blog about the book, the creator of Found magazine answers the question, “What do you think we gain from posing questions to people we don’t know?”

David Lozano of San Antonio was inspired to plant a community garden after watching Ron Finley’s talk. Photo: courtesy of David Lozano

Ron Finley is motivating people across the country to pick up a shovel and “get gangsta” by planting fruits, vegetables and herbs in their neighborhood.

Ron Finley: A guerilla gardener in South Central LASince appearing on the TED2013 stage to talk about why he plants edible gardens in the nooks and crannies of South Central Los Angeles, Finley has been profiled in The New York Times and appeared on Russell Brand’s talk show, BrandX. On Saturday, Finley was featured in this CBS News segment, which tells the story of Terence Satler, a 20-year-old who once dreamed of playing football but now is in culinary school. He says that gardening alongside Finley taught him the joy of food.

“The most extensive knowledge I’ve acquired so far has been through Ron’s garden,” Satler tells the CBS cameras. “He has things you would never see. Especially in my ‘hood.”

We in the TED office are also hearing stories of those influenced by Finley to pick up a trowel.

In April, David Lozano of San Antonio watched Finley’s talk and wrote the gardener, saying, “I saw you on TED yesterday and have watched [your talk] three times since … Needless to say my household is going to plant a food garden for everyone to enjoy. We live just two miles south of the Alamo in San Antonio… How do you deal with stray dogs digging up the garden? And could you give me a suggestion what kind of herbs and vegetables you would have a novice gardener plant?”

Last week, Lozano wrote Finley to share an update, with images attached.

“These pictures are of everything when it was planted last month. In the whiskey barrel, we planted zucchini. We decided to not plant directly in the ground due to the metal recycling plants refuse in the air close to our house,” he wrote. ”The neighborhood grocery store has been planted for a month now. We are getting our first jalapeños.”

Lozano’s zucchini, planted in a whiskey barrel. Photo: courtesy of David Lozano

More herbs and vegetables in a planter. Photo: David Lozano

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Meg Jay gave a talk at TED2013 suggesting that the 20s are a person’s defining decade — and it started a heated debate at the office. Here, a 20-something responds. Photo: James Duncan Davidson

I’m 24 and a woman, and that makes me a target for a lot of speculation and life advice. Sheryl Sandberg wants me to lean in to become a woman leader; Anne-Marie Slaughter says my lady parts may doom me to a half-fulfilled life; Susan Patton thinks I should have spent my time at Princeton looking for a husband (ideally one of her sons); and in TIME Magazine’s most recent cover story, Joel Stein suggests that I’m narcissistic and dying to be famous. Everyone’s talking about me.

And people wonder why millennials are so self-involved.

Meg Jay: Why 30 is not the new 20Now I can add clinical psychologist Meg Jay, today’s talk, to the list of well-intentioned non-millennial millennial critics. Jay spoke at TED2013 — and emphatically stated that “30 is not the new 20.” She urges twentysomethings to rid themselves of the idea that their 20s are a prolonged adolescence, throwaway years. According to Jay, 80 percent of life’s defining moments happen by the time a person is 35. Powerful — and intimidating — words.

To be honest: When I first heard the talk, I was appalled. It wasn’t a message I wanted my peers to hear: it put pressure on an already overstimulated generation to find the right career and start thinking about marriage now. And it seemed to simultaneously berate thirtysomethings, telling them their most important years were over and it was too late to get what they wanted.

In her book, The Defining Decade: Why Your Twenties Matter – and How to Make the Most of Them Now, Jay addresses a lot of the eyebrow-raisers she couldn’t in her 14-minute talk. As anybody who has given a TED or TEDx Talk knows: Boiling years of work down to 18 minutes is a terrifying honor. While the format makes for a good introduction to a new idea, the nuance and detail can be lost in the condensation. The heteronormative lifestyle Jay seems to take for granted in her talk is subdued in her book, which actually dedicates its first 30 percent to work. And the book very quickly establishes a critical condition that’s taken for an assumption in her talk: That her advice is geared toward people who choose to list marriage and/or children in their life goals.

In her book, Jay includes personal experiences and reflections that help to soften what could otherwise seem like a condescending stance. She writes, “Like many twentysomethings, I wanted to establish my career before I had kids, and I did. I waddled across the stage to collect my Ph.D. diploma while eight months pregnant with baby number one.” By the time she had her second child Jay had a university job. But she writes, “Having two babies after thirty-five did not go quite as smoothly as I expected, and now I see how lucky I was. Many women are not as fortunate.” Jay wants twentysomething readers to avoid some of the same mistakes she feels she might have made.

If you are in your 20s and marriage and/or children are things you desire, Jay has a lot to say on the matter. She opposes the media’s portrayal of American twentysomethings as a “culture dominated by singles who are almost obsessed with avoiding commitment.” She writes, “I have yet to meet a twentysomething who doesn’t want to get married or at least find a committed relationship.” The anecdote doesn’t convince me, but Jay’s argument that postponing marriage just for the sake of it is a reasonable one. Just because people get married later doesn’t mean that, a priori, later is better. And that also doesn’t mean twentysomethings should be content to date and cohabitate for years with people they know they won’t end up with. At least thinking about the qualities you want in a long-term partner while you’re in your twenties, says Jay, can help prevent what she sees often in her practice: people who rush into marriage when they turn thirty because it’s suddenly the time to care. Basically: Start worrying in your twenties, and you might not feel as screwed in your thirties.

Twentysomething women trying to figure out how to have it all will have to look elsewhere. In her chapters on work and love, Jay doesn’t address the critical relationship between the two — and more important, how one might hinder the other. She doesn’t recognize that for an ambitious twentysomething, there simply might not be enough hours in the day to further a career and work on finding the perfect mate.

Ultimately, Jay’s goal is to create a sense of urgency for twentysomethings so they don’t end up in their 30s feeling like they wasted the past ten years — and to provide tools to deal with this proverbial fire under the butt. As she told me, “I’m being sincere when I say there’s nothing worse than sitting across from a 35-year-old who’s realizing they’re never going to get the life they want, and that’s sad. Creating urgency for twentysomethings is okay.” But how this helps anyone over thirty is less clear.

Indeed, Jay’s book could be a pretty depressing read for thirtysomethings who haven’t been powerwalking through their 20s. It might also add more pressure to twentysomethings who are being told from every angle what their generation could be doing better. It’s nice to imagine a bunch of Gen X’ers sitting around nodding their heads saying “Yes, yes, yes I wish I had heard this when I was 20. Onward, millennials! Succeed where we failed!” Certainly these people exist, as evidenced by the deluge of Gen X advice to young poets (Jay, Sandberg, Slaughter and Stein are all Gen X’ers); but what’s much more likely is a bunch of thirtysomething women tearing their hair out when they are told that being the first real beneficiaries of feminism and birth control has doomed them to spinsterhood.

And finally: What about youth? If your 20s is not the time to have fun, when is? As Jay says in her talk, “I’m not discounting twentysomething exploration here, but I am discounting exploration that’s not supposed to count. Which by the way, is not exploration. That’s procrastination.”

I’m not going to upend modern philosophical thought when I say: Not all experiences need a focus, and not everything that counts can be counted. While I had hoped that Jay’s final chapter, “The Brain and the Body,” would focus on the sort of “capital” that doesn’t belong on a work or relationship résumé, it turned out to be further reading on my developing adult brain and my rapidly deteriorating eggs. Adults need to play, too.

When I asked Jay about “fun,” she said “there should be fun all throughout your life. Twentysomethings shouldn’t feel this pressure to live their life like an eternal spring break — because how can it, when you’re working and you don’t have money and you don’t know whether you’re going to get a text back from the person you like? It’s actually a very stressful time.” Agreed, but — as you get older — spring break gets harder and harder to schedule. While Jay finds it hard to see what is fun about scrambling for the L train at 4 am after too much Scotch, it’s hard for me to imagine what’s fun about owning a home and having two kids. And, yes, I know that’s in part because I’m in my twenties.

If my father’s house had a mantra, it would be “Life is long.” I was infused with the belief that I could do anything I wanted, at any age. No one likes thinking about life as a series of limitations, and certainly no woman likes to think of herself as a ticking time bomb. But Jay is right when she says we all have to face certain realities: Time runs out. Which is why I am also completely on board with Jay’s own mantra: Be intentional. Because while we may have different ideas on how to live the good life, Jay and I can agree that the intention of living it should be realized early and often.

Cameron Russell: Looks aren't everything. Believe me, I'm a model. Cameron Russell wants to have a discussion about the way that we, as a society, perceive beauty. Media representations of women, she says, are replete with racist and sexist representations, encouraging women to live up to a standard that is both oppressive and unattainable. Russell’s profession offers an insider’s perspective on the topic – after all, she has been modeling for over a decade.

Her candid talk from TEDxMidAtlantic led to this edition of TED Weekends on the Huffington Post. Below, find essays to start the discussion on our perceptions of beauty.

Cameron Russell: Beauty Is in the Lies of the Beholder

Women are not crazy for wanting to have a discussion about body image. And the conversation isn’t as superficial as the one Dove keeps encouraging us to have. It is a conversation about sexism and racism. It is a conversation about the real reason we try to shrink our waists and whiten our teeth (and sometimes even our skin). Most of the time we don’t do those things to make ourselves happy, we do them for someone else. I think we should start talking about that.

The easiest place to see discrimination is our incomes. Modeling is one of the few professions where women actually out-earn men. And across all jobs, studies have found that more attractive women earn more. A woman’s value is too often skin-deep. In 2004 a study found that resumes with very African-American-sounding names were 50 percent less likely to get called for an initial interview. And racial bias in salaries is overwhelming. While white women make an average of 78 cents for every man’s dollar, for African-American women that number drops to 62 cents, and for Hispanic women to 54 cents. Read the full essay

Donna Highfill: Beauty and Biblical Plagues

There is nothing like a biblical plague landing on your face to make you question the importance of physical appearance. I was 24 years old when I noticed a massive knot on my face that caused my left eye to close slightly. I was sure that something horrible had bitten me and was equally sure that some topical cream and an antibiotic would cure it. But when my normally personality-less dermatologist sat down beside me, put his hand on my arm and said, “You are so young and pretty. I am so sorry,” I knew I was wrong on both counts.

At the time the plague descended, I was a trainer for a mid-sized bank, which called for me to present in front of people on a regular basis. I was also getting married soon… that special time in a girl’s life when you prepare for that walk down the runway that church folks call an aisle.

Sparing the more vivid details of cystic acne, I will tell you that it is a cruel skin disease that can ravage the skin with huge, painful cysts. See? Biblical plague stuff. Fortunately, mine hit only one place on my body. Unfortunately, that place was my face. Read the full essay