“The birds and the bees” and “the facts of life.” These are the terms adults have come up with when it comes to talking to kids about sex. At TED2012, writer John Bohannon showed dismay at the fact that adults don’t feel comfortable talking to kids about sex, or drugs for that matter, without resorting to scare tactics. In an acrobatic performance — choreographed by Carl Flink, danced by Black Label Movement and scored by celloists Jelloslave — the talk calls for adults to address about these difficult subjects in the same way they would have wanted to hear about them when they were teens.

On Monday, December 17, Bohannon and Flink sat down for a live Q&A with the TED Conversations community, asking everyone to share what they remember of the sex talk they got as a teen. Read the full discussion — and see some of the most interesting interactions below.

Jordan Reeves stated:

I’m gay, but my parents talked to me about how sex works between a man and a woman. I wonder if any of you parents will talk to your kids about heterosexual AND homosexual relations. I mean, many of these kids already have preferences, but for those that do not, I think it’s important to inform them about sex in the most general terms (between two people that are in love or two people that are attracted to each other — not just between a man and a woman). Does that make sense?

John Bohannon responded:

My sense is that society has a long way to go before any but the most liberated heterosexual parents will talk to their kids about homosexuality. But I hope that will change fast.

And Carl Flink chimed in:

Fantastic question, Jordan. This is something that we have already had multiple conversations about in our household. The various debates around so-called “Marriage Amendments” prompted us to have talks with our daughters about what marriage is and how we as parents think about it. It was so interesting to hear from my 10-year-old before we ever said anything to them about this, “Dad, I don’t understand why I can’t marry anyone that I love and want to be with.” Wow, from the mouths of babes.

Shobit Puri wrote: 

I remember: my father took me to a separate room and asked me some questions before he actually explained me everything literally. I remember few of them. The first question was: did you ever feel something when you woke up in the morning? It was followed by another one: he asked me to try and remember if I saw any beautiful classmates of mine in my dreams?

The conversation was pretty much direct. I really appreciated that. I am proud that it happened and I came to know everything from my father, instead of friends telling different stories.

I think, being a doctor, it was easier for him and he was comfortable talking to me about it. I agree that normally it’s rare.

To which Carl Flink responded:

Thanks for sharing this Shobhit.

I know it’s not on the topic of sex, but I want to also say that John Bohannon is a fearless TED Speaker. How many TED Speakers are there who would be willing to do their entire TALK while being moved upside down, laying on people’s heads, etc. He’s a brave man!

Carl Flink stated:

Something that occurs to me as we have this conversation is that there are many facets to this conversation to consider. There is learning about how we reproduce, there is learning about how our particular reproduction can be pleasurable and there is talking about the enormous spectrum of sexuality that is happening with no goal of reproduction. These are all things to consider talking about with our children and have differing layers of discomfort for us as parents and educators.

To which Lauren Baker responded:

I think that’s one more reason why it shouldn’t be one “talk” but rather be an open topic to talk about as more questions come up.

Photos: James Duncan Davidson

John Bohannon and Black Label Movement are not ones for the ordinary.

“Remember that conversation you had as a kid, with your parents, about sex or drugs. It’s a myth. We don’t talk to kids about that stuff. It’s embarrassing.”

They emerge on stage, dancing to string music. But this is not a performance, strictly speaking, it’s a lecture, a TEDTalk.

“I learned about drugs from an egg and a frying pan.” Bohannon laments the outsourcing of our education of the most basic facts of life. And what if we have questions? “It’s not about questions.”

As Bohannon talks, the dancers of Black Label Movement flow around him — illustrating and heightening and transforming his words into something totally other.

In the 1980, the data on drug use were terrifying parents. Never mind that “92% of us were drinking alcohol, killing more of us than all drugs combined.” So we said: Just Say No. “Say no to everything. If you want to scare kids, you have to scare the hell out of them.” The war on drugs spread to a war on sex.

The dancers sizzle, and surround him.

And the data is in: That’s completely ineffective. “We love big solutions to big problems, don’t we? What if the facts of life don’t work that way. What if it can’t be scaled up?” What if we can’t educate our children by television?

Who, then, will do it? Us. We have to talk to kids, openly and honestly. And Bohannon thinks we’re not ready, we mythologize childhood, and think of it as a time of innocence. His was in Georgia, in a completely normal suburb. But while it looked pastoral, the kids were working on a secret research project. In the woods, in the dark, they would peel off clothes, “What are these things, bodies, what do they do?”

That’s childhood. “It’s a Manhattan Project of nakedness.” Walk into high school and the bomb goes off. You become a grotesque.

The dancers climb on him, forming that grotesque.

Bohannon exhorts: You need to talk to your kids, “But if you’re not honest about your own experience, they’ll smell bullshit.” Start by talking about the one kid you really know. You.

Bohannon as a child was obsessively curious about sex. Hit rock bottom at 13 while watching The Wall, shaved off his eyebrows, and tried to commit suicide. What would you say to that child? All he needed was someone to reassure him he was a normal part of the universe. He wanted a visitor from the future.

The dancers envelop him, and he steps out and says,

“I’m your self from future, 2012, and I have crucial information for you.” It’s information from a billion years ago, when the sea was full of cells, which fought, ate and divided. “Except for one, that’s your ancestor.” That cell invented sex. Then invented bodies, and the bodies became giant, and were mass-produced. “The seas became a nonstop riot of sex and death.”

And the dancers help him become an animal that climbs onto land.

But land was hard, and bodies were heavy. So, “deep inside her body, the mother builds a tiny ocean.” Outside are events of horrible violence. In here, it’s always the same. Peace. Just peace.

Bohannon lies in the air, fetal, held up by the dancers.

And he tells us, and his past self, that here in 2012, we still aren’t quite sure what sex is for. We have ideas, but it’s still spectacularly confusing.

“And here you are, a 13-year-old human, perplexed and confused…. Be comforted by the fact that in  2012 we still don’t know what sex is for. It’s a beautiful puzzle, and without it we wouldn’t be here.”

The dancers pair up, and carry each other off stage, as does Bohannon, who parts with:

“By the way, be nice to your little sister. She’s your best friend, you’ll see.”

See also: John Bohannon and Black Label Movement’s talk from TEDxBrussels: Dance vs. Powerpoint >>