Meg Jay’s talk on 20-somethings from TED2013 has started some very intense conversations online. Here, excerpts. Photo: James Duncan Davidson

Monday’s TED Talk, “Meg Jay: Why 30 is not the new 20,” has been a runaway hit: five days later, it has nearly 600,000 views and almost 200 comments on TED.com alone. Commenters of all ages have offered personal anecdotes, helpful resources and a fair dose of criticism, many writing about the hope and/or confusion and/or fear that the talk brought up for them. Meg Jay: Why 30 is not the new 20People are watching — and people are reacting.

Clearly, clinical psychologist Meg Jay has struck a nerve. As writer Thu-Huong Ha pointed out on the TED Blog earlier this week, the talk’s focus on the millennial generation has plenty of company at the moment (hello, TIME Magazine) — but still the conversation is far from over. So what’s going on? What makes “spend your 20s thinking ahead” such a provocative and polarizing message?

It’s only a sensible piece of advice, but what it ultimately gets at is much deeper. As Jay wrote in a live discussion with the TED community on Wednesday, “Making the most of your life is a scary topic when you think about it.” No matter how old you are, there’s never anyone to tell you for certain whether you’re doing it right. When someone points to nagging worries, it generates both angst and appreciation.

Below, some of the comments from TED’s online community, staff and extended network, expressing their wise and varied insights on this talk:

“I don’t regret for a second that I followed Phish instead of corporate America in my 20s. I’m glad I spent my formative adult years being filled with bliss. I have colorful memories and life experiences that give me a richness beyond money. Value your 20s, don’t spend it getting corralled into being part of the herd!” – Elisa Allechant, commenting on Jay’s talk page

“I’m a former higher education administrator and I was appalled at the dependency of college kids. Parents babied their children to the point where they didn’t learn important life skills. … Quite frankly, I think 20-somethings need to take responsibility, be held accountable and not need Mommy and Daddy until they are in their 30s. It’s pathetic.” – Adrianne Hanusek, commenting on Facebook

“For me, Jay is really dealing with some of the most fundamental questions of philosophy: What is the good life? And how do I live it? … I think an essential part of the good life is finding satisfaction with your qualities as an individual notwithstanding relative achievements. Doing that requires perspective and doing that requires accruing experiences for their own sake.” – TEDxTalks Manager David Webber, responding to Jay’s talk via email

“They say old people are ‘set in their ways.’ I think the implication from her talk is that this process is hugely rooted in your 20s. That’s where a somewhat self-aware person can change habits, mannerisms, how they treat people, etc. I think that’s what a lot of people miss the boat on. I started working at the local store at age 16 [and saw that] employees all fell into only two categories: young kids needing to make a quick buck, and unhappy adults who seemed dreadfully stuck where they were. Most of these people had higher aspirations. When did most of them begin working at this store? You guessed it, in their 20s. They settled for something less, thinking it was just temporary. Maybe if they had done some of the things Meg Jay was talking about, they wouldn’t still be there today.” – Ryan Ganzenmuller, commenting on Facebook

“In this economic climate, all too often the efforts made in this decade are rendered all for naught because of some financially catastrophic event or another. The absence of job security has had many twentysomethings bounce from one short-term assignment to another. … For me and many others, 30 being the new 20 is a philosophy of survival and regrowth, not some excuse for putting off our responsibilities.” – Omar Spence, commenting on Jay’s talk page

“There always was, is and will be a pressure of the 20s and it is indeed the defining time, at least professionally. Twentysomethings can complain of that as long as they like, say it is not fair, blah blah — it is not going to change. Most worthy employers will not have sympathy if you have not achieved anything by age 30 … If you can’t have fun and build your career and relationships while doing that — well, too bad. Up to you what will be your priority.” – Alyona Trubitsina, commenting on Facebook

“This is really not a problem in China. From the moment you graduate, you are under the pressure to get an apartment, a car and finally a girlfriend and a wife. … Young people are pushed in way too early to their 30 age.” – 向彬 李, commenting on Jay’s talk page

“It seems like twentysomethings are always told how great their age is and that they shouldn’t worry about major goals; Meg instead chooses to proceed with a challenging message that I think only the few open-minded individuals can truly enjoy and reap the benefits of.” – Alex Katzen, commenting on Facebook

“As a 25-year-old woman, I find Meg Jay’s approach to relationships, love, and work to be vastly oversimplified. So much beauty and enrichment lie in the unexpected events that we cannot prepare for, if we can allow room for those events to unfold and influence the path we are taking — whether we are teenagers or senior citizens. In other words, if we plan and plot too heavily in our 20s, we may not experience as many serendipitous developments, connections and opportunities for growth.” – TED’s Projects Coordinator Cloe Shasha, responding to Jay’s talk over email

“I’m 24. I blew the last two years living with my parents pointlessly sending out resumes. No social life. I’ve finally got an unpaid internship doing what I want, but every day I think about my life passing me by. Advice from me to other college grads: Sending out resumes is pointless! Network, network, and network some more! That’s the only way to do it.” – Michael Baxter, commenting on Jay’s talk page

“I enjoyed your book! However, I felt the book was targeted to a very specific demographic — upper/middle class economic status, well-educated, looking for a heterosexual relationship. What are your thoughts on this?” – TED’s Customer Support Specialist Becky Chung, commenting  during Jay’s live chat with the TED community

Jay responded to this question, and gave honest and compassionate responses to many others as well, in a TED Conversation earlier this week.  She wrote in response to Chung’s challenge, “I actually disagree. Research shows that people in all income brackets get new jobs through weak ties; that’s good advice for everyone. Both gay and straight adults do want marriages/partners/families; in fact, that’s what marriage equality is all about. And the concept of identity capital can be liberating for those who can’t afford college or who don’t do well in school; one good piece of identity capital or one lead from a weak tie can trump someone with a 4.0 from an Ivy who doesn’t know how to get in the game.”

What’s certain is this: For twentysomethings and former-twentysomethings alike, the questions touched on in the talk are worth discussing. The surrounding conversation has been incredibly genuine and mature, and in Jay’s opinion, this is hardly by-the-by.

“People underestimate how interested twentysomethings are in the topic. Part of the cultural myth is that they don’t care,” says Jay, defending this generation that often gets a bad rep. “It isn’t just parents emailing me their thoughts, it’s twentysomethings themselves.”

In spite of the discomfort and uncertainty that the talk raised for some viewers, it seems to be truly forcing self-examination – an important step towards living with intent. And one of the beautiful things about these reactions is how they’ll change over time. TEDx Post-event Coordinator Tahlia Hein says that her thoughts on the topic have changed in a span of four short years.

“If you had asked me at 23 what I thought, I’d have probably said that she had no real appreciation for being young. I would have said that those freeing experiences are an invaluable part of what it means to be young,” she says. “Now [at 27], I think I was half right: They are invaluable, but there is no such thing as the mythical ‘young.’ There’s just life.”

Meg Jay gave a talk at TED2013 suggesting that the 20s are a person’s defining decade — and it started a heated debate at the office. Here, a 20-something responds. Photo: James Duncan Davidson

I’m 24 and a woman, and that makes me a target for a lot of speculation and life advice. Sheryl Sandberg wants me to lean in to become a woman leader; Anne-Marie Slaughter says my lady parts may doom me to a half-fulfilled life; Susan Patton thinks I should have spent my time at Princeton looking for a husband (ideally one of her sons); and in TIME Magazine’s most recent cover story, Joel Stein suggests that I’m narcissistic and dying to be famous. Everyone’s talking about me.

And people wonder why millennials are so self-involved.

Meg Jay: Why 30 is not the new 20Now I can add clinical psychologist Meg Jay, today’s talk, to the list of well-intentioned non-millennial millennial critics. Jay spoke at TED2013 — and emphatically stated that “30 is not the new 20.” She urges twentysomethings to rid themselves of the idea that their 20s are a prolonged adolescence, throwaway years. According to Jay, 80 percent of life’s defining moments happen by the time a person is 35. Powerful — and intimidating — words.

To be honest: When I first heard the talk, I was appalled. It wasn’t a message I wanted my peers to hear: it put pressure on an already overstimulated generation to find the right career and start thinking about marriage now. And it seemed to simultaneously berate thirtysomethings, telling them their most important years were over and it was too late to get what they wanted.

In her book, The Defining Decade: Why Your Twenties Matter – and How to Make the Most of Them Now, Jay addresses a lot of the eyebrow-raisers she couldn’t in her 14-minute talk. As anybody who has given a TED or TEDx Talk knows: Boiling years of work down to 18 minutes is a terrifying honor. While the format makes for a good introduction to a new idea, the nuance and detail can be lost in the condensation. The heteronormative lifestyle Jay seems to take for granted in her talk is subdued in her book, which actually dedicates its first 30 percent to work. And the book very quickly establishes a critical condition that’s taken for an assumption in her talk: That her advice is geared toward people who choose to list marriage and/or children in their life goals.

In her book, Jay includes personal experiences and reflections that help to soften what could otherwise seem like a condescending stance. She writes, “Like many twentysomethings, I wanted to establish my career before I had kids, and I did. I waddled across the stage to collect my Ph.D. diploma while eight months pregnant with baby number one.” By the time she had her second child Jay had a university job. But she writes, “Having two babies after thirty-five did not go quite as smoothly as I expected, and now I see how lucky I was. Many women are not as fortunate.” Jay wants twentysomething readers to avoid some of the same mistakes she feels she might have made.

If you are in your 20s and marriage and/or children are things you desire, Jay has a lot to say on the matter. She opposes the media’s portrayal of American twentysomethings as a “culture dominated by singles who are almost obsessed with avoiding commitment.” She writes, “I have yet to meet a twentysomething who doesn’t want to get married or at least find a committed relationship.” The anecdote doesn’t convince me, but Jay’s argument that postponing marriage just for the sake of it is a reasonable one. Just because people get married later doesn’t mean that, a priori, later is better. And that also doesn’t mean twentysomethings should be content to date and cohabitate for years with people they know they won’t end up with. At least thinking about the qualities you want in a long-term partner while you’re in your twenties, says Jay, can help prevent what she sees often in her practice: people who rush into marriage when they turn thirty because it’s suddenly the time to care. Basically: Start worrying in your twenties, and you might not feel as screwed in your thirties.

Twentysomething women trying to figure out how to have it all will have to look elsewhere. In her chapters on work and love, Jay doesn’t address the critical relationship between the two — and more important, how one might hinder the other. She doesn’t recognize that for an ambitious twentysomething, there simply might not be enough hours in the day to further a career and work on finding the perfect mate.

Ultimately, Jay’s goal is to create a sense of urgency for twentysomethings so they don’t end up in their 30s feeling like they wasted the past ten years — and to provide tools to deal with this proverbial fire under the butt. As she told me, “I’m being sincere when I say there’s nothing worse than sitting across from a 35-year-old who’s realizing they’re never going to get the life they want, and that’s sad. Creating urgency for twentysomethings is okay.” But how this helps anyone over thirty is less clear.

Indeed, Jay’s book could be a pretty depressing read for thirtysomethings who haven’t been powerwalking through their 20s. It might also add more pressure to twentysomethings who are being told from every angle what their generation could be doing better. It’s nice to imagine a bunch of Gen X’ers sitting around nodding their heads saying “Yes, yes, yes I wish I had heard this when I was 20. Onward, millennials! Succeed where we failed!” Certainly these people exist, as evidenced by the deluge of Gen X advice to young poets (Jay, Sandberg, Slaughter and Stein are all Gen X’ers); but what’s much more likely is a bunch of thirtysomething women tearing their hair out when they are told that being the first real beneficiaries of feminism and birth control has doomed them to spinsterhood.

And finally: What about youth? If your 20s is not the time to have fun, when is? As Jay says in her talk, “I’m not discounting twentysomething exploration here, but I am discounting exploration that’s not supposed to count. Which by the way, is not exploration. That’s procrastination.”

I’m not going to upend modern philosophical thought when I say: Not all experiences need a focus, and not everything that counts can be counted. While I had hoped that Jay’s final chapter, “The Brain and the Body,” would focus on the sort of “capital” that doesn’t belong on a work or relationship résumé, it turned out to be further reading on my developing adult brain and my rapidly deteriorating eggs. Adults need to play, too.

When I asked Jay about “fun,” she said “there should be fun all throughout your life. Twentysomethings shouldn’t feel this pressure to live their life like an eternal spring break — because how can it, when you’re working and you don’t have money and you don’t know whether you’re going to get a text back from the person you like? It’s actually a very stressful time.” Agreed, but — as you get older — spring break gets harder and harder to schedule. While Jay finds it hard to see what is fun about scrambling for the L train at 4 am after too much Scotch, it’s hard for me to imagine what’s fun about owning a home and having two kids. And, yes, I know that’s in part because I’m in my twenties.

If my father’s house had a mantra, it would be “Life is long.” I was infused with the belief that I could do anything I wanted, at any age. No one likes thinking about life as a series of limitations, and certainly no woman likes to think of herself as a ticking time bomb. But Jay is right when she says we all have to face certain realities: Time runs out. Which is why I am also completely on board with Jay’s own mantra: Be intentional. Because while we may have different ideas on how to live the good life, Jay and I can agree that the intention of living it should be realized early and often.

In her 20s, Meg Jay saw her first psychotherapy client, Alex, who was there to talk about her guy problems. Jay didn’t take the sessions all too seriously at first. But then her supervisor gave her a wakeup call. While Jay said, “Sure she’s dating down and sleeping with a knucklehead. But she’s not gonna marry the guy.” Her supervisor responded, “Not yet. But she might marry the next one. The best time to work on Alex’s marriage is before she has one.”

For Jay, it was an a-ha moment. She realized that 30 is not the new 20. The 20s are not a throwaway decade — they’re a developmental sweet spot as it is when the seeds of marriage, family and career are planted.

There are 50 million 20-somethings in the US — that’s 15% of population. And Jay wants them to consider themselves adults, and know that this period is as important for their development as the first five years of life. Because the first 10 years of a career have an exponential impact on how much money a person is going to earn. Love is the same way: Half of Americans are with their future partner by the age of 30.

“Claiming your 20s is one of simplest things you can do for work, happiness, love, maybe even for the world,” says Jay. ”We know your brain caps off its second and last growth spurt in your 20s as it rewires itself for adulthood. Which means whatever you want to change, now is the time to change it.”

Jay worries that messages in the media about the changing timetable of adulthood, and the 20s being an “extended adolescence,” are trivializing this important decade. These messages encourage 20-somethings not to take action on the things that matter to them most. It leads them to think,  ”As long as I get good job by 30, I’m fine.” Or that dating is just a game, and that they should stay with someone who is just “fun.” The result: they waste valuable time.

Jay also takes issue with the phrase “you can’t pick your family, but can pick your friends.” Because you can pick your family — your own. Jay notices that many people feel pressured by time on this big decision. “Grabbing whoever you’re living with or sleeping with when everyone on Facebook starts walking down the aisle is not progress,” she says. She wants 20-somethings to be as intentional with love as they are with work.

“Too many 30-somethings and 40-somethings look at themselves and say about their 20s, ‘What was I doing? What was I thinking?’” says Jay. “When a lot has been pushed to your 30s, there is enormous 30-something pressure to start a family, have your career, pick a city. Many of these things are incompatible to do all at once.”

So what can 20-somethings do? They can own their adulthood. They can invest in identity capital—courses, skills, friends—that add value toward who they might want to be. They can work on building a wide social network, instead of a tightknit one that doesn’t allow for outside opportunities.

Jay explains, “Twenty-somethings are like airplanes, just taking off from LAX heading for somewhere west. A slight change in course on takeoff is the difference between landing in Alaska or Fiji.”

Here are the speakers from this session. Click on their name for a recap of their talk:

Freeman Hrabowski creates opportunities for students of all backgrounds to pursue advanced degrees.

Real life begins at 30? Well, no, says Meg Jay. Her research in her new book shows us why 30 is not the new 20.

TED’s own Lisa Bu has built a career helping people find great stories. Now she tells her own story.

Young inventor Richard Turere invented “lion lights,” an elegant way to protect his family’s cattle from lion attacks.

Announcing the TED Prize Winner, Sugata Mitra, and his bold wish, funded by $1 million from the TED community.

The Sleepy Man Banjo Boys is made up of 10-year-old banjo sensation Jonny Mizzone and his brothers Robbie, 14, on fiddle, and Tommy, 15, on guitar.