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02 December 2009
Cindy Gallop: Make love, not porn
ALERT: Talk contains graphic sexual language
At TED2009, audience member Cindy Gallop gave a 4-minute presentation that became one of the event’s most talked about. Speaking from her personal experience, she argued that hardcore pornography had distorted the way a generation of young men think about sex, and talked about how she was fighting back with the launch of a website to correct the myths being propagated. Later, she expanded her brief presentation into a provocative and thought-provoking TED Book.
Her talk’s graphic content means we can’t include it in the main run of full TEDTalks, which go by default to subscribers, including children. But we do think it’s worth posting here. Cindy is no prude, and not everyone will enjoy the graphic language on her website, MakeLoveNotPorn.com. But she has courageously (and wittily) raised an important issue, which we think deserves wider attention. Constructive comments welcome!
Tweet this talk: http://on.ted.com/206I
Discuss this Blog Post
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Adrian R
Dec 2 2009This topic is really overdue. I think her suspicion that pornography has become the “sexual education” of today is realistic. Parents are to be blamed here, no one else.
I applaud this effort.
p.s. The comments on YouTube have been disabled, is this deliberate?
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Danielle M
Feb 15 2010I agree. I got no sex ed from either school or my parents. You’d better believe that I, even as a girl and therefore assumed to be less sexually curious than boys by much of society, got my first ideas about sexuality from the internet.
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Toma Susi
Dec 2 2009Here’s an interesting study on the effect of watching porn on sexuality:
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/relationships/6709646/All-men-watch-porn-scientists-find.html -
Derek Mowrey
Dec 2 2009I think porn, like movies, is intended for entertainment and presents a story. Some of the events are more plausible than others, ranging from completely realistic to laughably false. But much of categorized porn is produced for an audience that actually enjoys it. Sex IS whatever it is between the people who have it. The most important thing for people to do is talk about what they like with the person they intend to be intimate with.
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Teddie Bear
Dec 2 2009She raises an important issue. The reaction of the public is childish *and* bizarre.
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Anna Johnson
Dec 2 2009I agree – there is very little discussion about the political context of porn. It’s a huge problematic area no-one’s willing to look at. It is shaping kids’ – nations’ – minds – just by virtue of how available it is. It isn’t about telling reality from fantasy – it’s about marinading in the stuff for hundreds of hours and what it must do a brain that’s fed on such a diet.
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King Kupa
Dec 2 2009Interesting topic, and I obviously agree that porn is more accessible nowadays and that it may have an effect on younger generations, but I hardly believe that there’s an adverse effect on the way people have sex. How people have sex is completely a matter of personal preference, and just because she dislikes something doesn’t mean that porn is to blame.
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Rajesh Sampathkumar
Dec 3 2009A long overdue talk, I felt. We need for people to not be standardized in their sexual behaviour as per the norms of an “industry” and for people to be true to themselves, be natural in their sexual activities, just as with anything else. I think this lady has done something important, especially given the bastardization of popular opinion on sexuality because of hard core pornography.
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Addison Rennick
Dec 3 2009At first I thought to myself that I was going to disagree. That she was going to condemn porn as a whole, but she didn’t. She recognized that it has its benefits and is taking steps to mitigate its downfall. I think that’s beautiful and amazing.
I will say that you don’t have to be taught that it’s normal. Sometimes you recognize it all on your own. Even if you don’t it takes very little to convince someone who’s never had sex or had very little sex that pron is not real life. So there is hope I think.
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fonebro fonebro
Dec 3 2009I think most reasonable people view porn for what it is; tasteless, selfish, exciting, prurient, and ….
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Christopher Gonzales
Dec 3 2009She chases youngsters and is shocked and dismayed when they turn out to be insensitive and clumsy lovers?
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Aaron Funk
Dec 15 2009That’s not the point. Hardcore porn is erroneously taken as good example. It’s a short-sighted and biased grasp of sex. Which is worth making a point about because sex is one of the most basic needs and wants of any normal person.
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Cindy Gallop
Dec 19 2009Actually, I don’t ‘chase youngsters’. I began dating younger men because they approached me; I am extremely selective about whom I date; and as a result, I only date really, really lovely younger men. MakeLoveNotPorn was inspired by only some of my dating experiences, not all, and as per Aaron’s comment above, what I encounter is not insensitivity. We are all vulnerable and insecure when we get naked, and we will grasp at anything that we hope will help us to be better lovers. If porn is all the sex ed you’ve ever gotten, because your parents, your teachers and the world at large couldn’t bring themselves to talk openly and honestly aobut what makes for great, mutually enjoyable sex, then those are the only cues you have.
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fonebro fonebro
Dec 3 2009I wonder how you got to believe all this amazing rubbish. Maybe it was something that you dreamed when you were awake.
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Stephen Mitchell
Dec 4 2009What I said to another TED member who introduced me to the site and this thread:
It is interesting to note the difference in women sexually over my lifetime and to see how the times have influenced them–given that there are always variables from woman to woman–and that possibly my own changes or development has encouraged more openess from them, but I really feel that women are more willing to express themselves and their wants & needs than ever before. I welcome it.
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Richard Lawrence
Dec 4 2009I’m a porn producer and I agree entirely with Cindy. Like it or not, porn is the default sex educator for millions of people and that doesn’t just mean adolescents. Responsible producers can still make explicit content with positive values that is just as effective as the degrading, misogynistic rubbish that seems to be the norm – why more people don’t provide an alternative to that I can’t imagine, becuase smart & moral people also like to get turned on.
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Aaron Funk
Dec 15 2009Because it’s the path of least resistance. The same dynamic that makes most people not bother eating healthy.
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Jenius Tanner
Dec 4 2009Porn is a form entertainment. It has as much effect on youngster as gangster movies and violent media. I have a nephew who watches porn and violent movies as often as possible and he turned out okay. I personally think every effects or whatever depends on the viewer, not the material.
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Call me crazy but I’m a ceiling fan fanatic. -
Bob Allen
Dec 5 2009According to porn industry market research women buy about 1/2 of the sales. Ms. Cindy’s misandrist attack on men in the porn business negates whatever her original point might have been.
Note also that the porn industry shows very strange positions because you can see the penetration The porn industry shows cum on faces and other places because they cannot film cum in a vagina where normal men prefer to put it. The scenes in porn are created because men AND WOMEN producing porn can film it, not because men or women prefer to do sex that way. Ms. Cindy’s sexist rant is offensive and wrong.
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Danielle M
Feb 15 2010Can I get a source for the statistic you used?
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O Mir
Mar 2 2010Those positions are not strange! They are degrading to any human (or as a matter of fact living beings). Do you ever see a man in an so called ‘strange’ position? I don’t think so. Men are always on top and in control in their positions. Also, why do you need to see cum on someone’s face? How about a leg?! And YES, you are right, the scenes are created because both women and men are there to film it at their own will. But they do not have to be degrading to anyone. PORN IS OFFENSIVE…IT DOES NOT PORTRAY PEOPLE MAKING LOVE. IT’S ALL ABOUT BANGING USELESSLY. MOST MEN DO NOT EVEN HAVE A CLUE WHAT TURNS A WOMAN ON. TRY BEING SENSUAL AND HAVING TANTRIC SEX. IT’S WAAAAAY BETTER THAN THAT VIOLENT PORNOGRAPHIC CRAP THAT EVERYONE HYPES UP!! Cindy is not sexist she is educated and if you were too, you would not be making such judgements and comments.
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Daniel Temple
Apr 12 2010If you want people to take you seriously, perhaps you should remove your own sweeping generalizations and value judgments before you accuse others of being uneducated.
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Joanne Gullion
May 15 2010There is no way that women buy anywhere near one half of all porn. And if the “porn industry” says we do, they are lying.
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Kadi Rae
Jun 26 2010I agree… if the porn industry is owned and run almost completely by men, why would we believe any market “research” results they present to us, especially if it has to do with women? Would you believe marketing research about black america if it was done by the KKK? I think not….
Now… It would be a very different thing if the Kinsey Institute researched porn.
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flor nuñez de ciampoli
May 23 2010I dont think she was offensive i just think she was ilustrating the missconceptions when you assume “thats the way it is” and leave no room for “not necessarily”.
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Todd Daugherty
Dec 5 2009I do believe in a sense that porn may shape the way that young people are introduced to it. BUT that is it. I believe porn an entertainment business, and believe along the sames lines as Bob Allen below.. The positions used, the shooting on ones face or body, all uses visuals effects. I certainly don’t have sex with my partner in the positions shown on the films. It’s way uncomfortable of myself and my partner.
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Patrick Richardson
Dec 6 2009I don’t think she has discovered something new; I think she’s just experiencing something that’s very old. Typically sexually active young men divide women into two groups: nice girls they want to introduce to mom and marry, or at least spend time with in context other than having sex, and easy chicks they want to hook up with and they hope will leave them alone otherwise. They treat women in group 2 differently than they do in group 1. Hookers and porn starts are obviously in the second group, and women in group 2 are treated like hookers and porn stars. Which group do you think old cougars in leather pants who brag about how many young men have screwed them are in?
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Danielle M
Feb 15 2010That is a bit ridiculous. Why does our society have it in our heads that older women can’t have successful sex lives? I would also think it more likely that the men who would have a relationship with an older woman would be more openminded and less misogynistic, therefore less likely to group women into your two categories.
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Richard Cook
Apr 7 2010@Danielle: unfortunately, I believe that younger men who have relationships with older women do it for explicitly sexual reasons at least at first. Women tend to be at their horniest in their 30′s and men in their early 20′s. It’s a natural hookup that has nothing to do with openmindedness, at least IMHO. :-) And please take it easy with the “misogynistic” label. There are very few actually misogynistic men out there, I think. That’s like calling everyone “racist.” Come on, get your head out of the 70′s. :-)
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Feb 3 2012
Younger men who have sex with older women do so because they are looking for a woman who knows what she wants, will ask for it, will participate more instead of laying there worrying about how she looks…and will have a lot more fun in bed. (Generalizing here – but this is what the men say.)
There is a growing number of young men who want anal sex (because of porn) and young women who feel pressured to have it. Where does the idea come from if not porn?
http://jezebel.com/5870164/the-popularity-and-perfectionism-behind-butt-sex#
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Justin Stanwix
Dec 7 2009I’m stunned at how many people are missing the point of this talk. In NO WAY is is an example of misandry or any ill-will toward men.
She’s made a valid observation, and being a man in my early 20s I can say that being a part of the internet generation, when were able to, and did, saturate ourselves with internet pornography from a young age, long before we had any sort of sexual encounter with a partner, alters your expectations and your practices.
I could rattle off a list with dozens of examples of guys wanting to do things that take place in porn and they generally just do it without asking. This often results in “funny” stories about how the lucky lady reacted, usually ending in a situation where neither party plans to ever speak to the other again.
Like any social issue, it doesn’t affect everyone, but it does happen. makelovenotporn.com is about creating an open dialouge. A place where people can engage a taboo topic, and engage in it freely.
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John Thompson
Dec 10 2009wtf are talking about u ass she was clearly bitchin at men, i’m sure you have no women around you but other men do. So get a life YOU JACKASS, you know it’s statisticly proven to help reduce stress and make sex better, but know you wouldn’t know about that now would you.
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Justin Stanwix
Dec 7 2009I’m stunned at how many people are missing the point of this talk. In NO WAY is is an example of misandry or any ill-will toward men.
She’s made a valid observation, and being a man in my early 20s I can say that being a part of the internet generation, when were able to, and did, saturate ourselves with internet pornography from a young age, long before we had any sort of sexual encounter with a partner, alters your expectations and your practices.
I could rattle off a list with dozens of examples of guys wanting to do things that take place in porn and they generally just do it without asking. This often results in “funny” stories about how the lucky lady reacted, usually ending in a situation where neither party plans to ever speak to the other again.
Like any social issue, it doesn’t affect everyone, but it does happen. makelovenotporn.com is about creating an open dialouge. A place where people can engage a taboo topic, and engage in it freely.
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juan moralas
Dec 10 2009Get a life you jackass. She clearly talking down to men.
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John Johnson
Dec 8 2009She missed two obvious options:
Date older men.
Make her own porn.When you date people 20 years younger than you are, they are going to act like they are 20 years younger than you are.
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Cindy Gallop
Dec 19 2009As I have commented above, I started dating younger men because they approached me. I am very selective about whom I date and I thoroughly enjoy the experience, which I expanded on in ALL its dimensions (not only sex) in my 2008 TEDU talk ‘The Toyboy Manifesto: Why Older Woman Younger Man Is The Relationship Model Of The Future’. MakeLoveNotPorn is based on only some of my dating experiences, not all. In my experience, maturity is not a function of age. I know some very mature 25 year olds, and some very immature 45 year olds :) And because MakeLoveNotPorn is only one demonstration of the fact that when I feel strongly about something, I actually do something about it, I do indeed have development plans for http://www.makelovenotporn.tv as and when I can get funding (although they don’t involve making my own porn in the way you’re thinking of…:)
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William Ross
Dec 10 2009I think she has discovered that she not only wants to bang these young men, she also wants to mommy them on her website! “Now, Johnny, its not NICE to cum on Mommy’s face, is it?!”
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Cindy Gallop
Dec 19 2009Darling, ‘mommy’-ing could not be further away from what I like to do and what I do do. As, ahem, any of my dates could testify to….:) In all seriousness, I have gotten a huge volume of responses to MakeLoveNotPorn from young men and women as well as men and women of all ages, that demonstrates all too sadly and movingly, on many occasions, that what MakeLoveNotPorn is designed to do is very much needed.
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russ faulkner
Dec 12 2009Her contention that the industry is run by men for men was definitely true 10-15 years ago, however a vast majority of production companies and videos are made by women for men/women. The following people have gone on to make their own production companies: Belladonna, Joanna Angel, Jenna Jameson, etc. Even Playboy is overseen by Hugh Hefner’s daughter. Women make more money, men are just ‘there’. It’s becoming evermore female focused and controlled. So, I have mixed feelings about her presentation. I would say ‘dumb’ guys think that all girls want facials, etc.
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Henrik Ahlen
Dec 12 2009I am sad to see in the vitriolic comments here that we have not progressed further in the ability to talk about sex openly. And TED’s shyness about this video also clearly shows that you americans have a very long way to go. Being Scandinavian, it is hard for me to understand that the majority of hard core porn is produced in the same country that is so scared about discussing any type of normal sexuality. We have lots of problems with sex here in Sweden too, but I do believe that we are better off than the Americans due to a somewhat more open discussion here.
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William Ross
Dec 14 2009We have more problems here with sex than you have there in Scandinavia because your women are all so good looking while ours are as fat as nuclear power plant cooling towers. We routinely get caught in the folds. So, be thankful that you were born there.
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Nov 3 2011
Henrik I don’t think a lot of these vitriolic comments/responses are actually anything to be concerned about. I think a lot of these responses hopefully represent internet trolls, if not then indeed this is a terribly sad state to see. Please refer to http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Troll_%28Internet%29 for a more accurate description of what we are dealing with.
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Aaron Funk
Dec 15 2009It’s a shame that infamous youtube.com idiocy has found its way to TED comment fields.
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Nov 3 2011
Agreed Aaron, trolls find their way into the most unexpected arenas. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Troll_%28Internet%29
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CS Lewiston
Dec 15 2009Learning about sex through porn is like learning about the rest of life from TV. The entertainment industry follows a fixed formula based upon whatever it thinks will sell product or get ratings. Many people take what they see on TV at face value (this explains the success of Fox News). This approach ends up being applied to other popular media, like pornography.
Amen to what you said below, Matt Z. Woman-produced porn is definitely a dozen or so notches above much of what’s out there. Who’d have thought that sensuality would be much hotter than money shots? :~)
@Adrian R – Right on to what you said about parents. They need to overcome their own shame-based conditioning around sex and start raising their children, rather than letting TV, the Internet or “abstinence-ed” do it for them.
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Cindy Gallop
Dec 19 2009The commenters on this thread might be interested to see this post from Mashable today:
http://mashable.com/2009/12/19/porn-toddlers/
revealing that ‘porn’ is among the top search terms for kids, and the 4th most popular search term (ahead of Club Penguin and Webkinz) in the ’7 and under’ age category.
This is why, in the absence of more willingness from parents and the educational system to ensure that kids are exposed to open, healthy conversations and education about sex, I started MakeLoveNotPorn.
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Hober Mallow
Jan 13 2010I’ve had a love hate relationship with porn for most of my life. A bit like fast food porn comes luridly packaged, doesn’t fill you up and for the most part makes you feel a bit cheap afterwards, but I in no way accept it as reality. Even when I read my first few pornographic magazines at the age of eleven I never thought this is the way women want to be seen and apart from a few exceptions since my view remains the same. Speaking to friends and partners over the years I’ve come to the conclusion that most normal people make this distinction.
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mr jhonson
Jan 31 2010did anyone else hear the guy laugh when she said she dated younger men rofl i’m sorry but you don’t date people in their 20′s thats complete BS
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cassia parent
Feb 15 2010I love this talk – I’m very glad that this dialogue is happening…. thanks so much Cindy! I will repost your video and site to all my friends….
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O Mir
Mar 2 2010I would really like to address MOST of the above comments and add that from reading them it is quiet evident that your comments are based on personal beliefs and NOT on actual academic based evidence. Teaching your children about sexual education will not 100% ensure that they will not be exposed to pornography and in any away be influenced by it. Your children’s education is not limited to their home environment. We never stop learning, and as we are exposed to explicit images that are portrayed by our society we will be influenced by them, and that includes our children who will google porn and eventually attempt to experiment what they have seen. Cindy Galop is not suspicious, she is an educated woman, otherwise she will not have been so privileged to speak for TED. Cindy is absolutely right, whether you are a man or a woman, you are surrounded of sexually explicit images and messages that women are sort of sexual objects, ready and willing to submit to men’s manipulation.
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SAM JAM
Mar 30 2010- i wouldnt have said this had been useful several years ago and yet it is amusing the way age adjusts the manner you experience many creative concepts, thanks with regard to the blog post it is actually nice to read something intelligent occasionally in lieu of the popular crap mascarading as blogs on the net, cheers
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M Artian
Apr 27 2010I can’t believe these comments. An intelligent woman opens up a cultural dialogue and the latest posts I see are tastelessly name-calling and belittling her because she is confident enough to talk about her sex life?? This is TED. On TED, people make pleas for help fixing what they see is wrong in the world. You don’t have to agree with her but make your comments constructive and intellectual. I just can’t believe in this day and age people are still feeding a social climate that shames women into silence regarding the topic of sex.
Cindy Gallop, thank you for your work and good luck!
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Amy Lang
Jun 10 2010Thanks for this brilliant idea! I’ll be adding your site to mine.
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Eddie Quinones
Jun 26 2010The message of the talk is great.
My only complaint – I found the sound of her earring clanking up against the microphone continuously for all 4 minutes to be quite distracting and irritating.
Probably not a big deal for most, though it honestly was quite distracting for me.
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Aug 10 2010
Love a confident sexual woman on a podium speaking openly and positively about sex. Love, love, love it.
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Sep 5 2010
Yeah Nathalie has a point. The woman is confident. But then confidence comes with age. The rest is just old wine in new bottle. What if there are women who LIKE men who cum on their faces. The idea that all women want caring, gentle, sex is as old as mars and venus. I learnt this entire drivel in school… What are little boys made of..what are little girls made of. There is fun in treating sex as just FUN and not as the pinnacle of true love.
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Sep 17 2010
@Mathai – I don’t think extremes were intended or stated here. Certainly there are some women who like men to come on their faces, just as there are women who want to see caring, gentle porn…and everything in between. Why not just increase the variety instead of condemning any one form?
I agree with Ms. Gallup – we could use a little variety instead of just the one type of porn. Sex as fun, sex as love, sex as role-playing, sex as sensual, sex as wild, sex as gender switch, etc…let’s just open up the field here a bit, please. Comstock films have a different point of view that I particularly like.
As a mature woman, I also agree with Ms Gallup re: younger men. You go, Girl!
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Mar 6 2011
This talk has only just come to my attention but wow I think it is such a valuable conversation to have. As a school teacher we encounter the problem especially with the internet being available on phones. I agree honest, open communication is definitely a valuable step in the right direction!!
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Jul 2 2011
Not judgmental? Not good or bad? Good Lord, Lady, what a fibber you are! Your site is nothing but judgmental. and that’s perfectly okay but why prevaricate about it??? I thought you were mature and fearless. And you’re fundamentally wrong about porn claiming to be “the way it is.” Porn is about HOW IT SHOULD BE MORE LIKE.. more enthusiastic, more intense, more fun.. and above all an ideal view of satisfied non-sour and bitchy females. Why can’t we men have our dreams when reality is so cold and harsh?!?
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Jul 9 2011
Cindy, I think it’s a good idea to put up anti-spam mechanism in your site’s comment section..
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Sep 8 2011
I completely agree. The illustrations of what must occur once in the act of intercourse has been greatly warped. I feel remorse after many of the times I have emulated such acts. We should act fast. How would your grandchildren like to know that you “chillidogged” your grandma? Or like to know that your daughter received a “strawberry shortcake?”
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Sep 14 2011
I agreed with every word…so I tried to access her webpage, but couldn’t as the filter classified it as Pornography. Go figure.
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Sep 14 2011
I agreed with every word…so I tried to access her webpage, but couldn’t as the filter classified it as Pornography. Go figure
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Oct 4 2011
I love all of what she articulates as it is so real and yet why is she wearing those awful boots? does wearing clothes that damage the spine and disorientate your center really integrate with her words? walk your talk? well dear if you walk in those boots its clear to me you still have some issues of your own in which you feel objects that give away your stability and center are still needed. This is earth calling.
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Oct 4 2011
@anna steele -
Really? You’re going to make the majority of your comment about her boots? This is earth calling – you are off topic. -
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Nov 1 2011
Good talk!
I have talked about this with my young daughter at length. I call it ‘performance sex’ vs ‘relationship sex’ though I make it clear that ‘relationship sex’ doesn’t have to happen in the context of a ‘relationship’ as we think of it.
What I have always worried about is how internet porn is literally changing the brains of the young men who watch it. As they develop their tastes at a young age, what they find sexy online may well be what they (and we) have to live with for the rest of their lives. What they are doing is setting themselves (and the poor partners who have to have sex with them) into a rut that they may very well not want to be in. Sadly, they have no clue that they are doing this as they whack off to very specific acts or looks. I don’t think it’s as easy as Cindy suggests – that they can easily be educated to the reality that “not all women like…” Human sexuality is not that simple.
On the other side, I fear for my daughter’s sexual pleasure and enjoyment. I think it is less likely she will enjoy what she is going to get in a partner than I did some 30 years ago starting out.
Several things I have told her since she was very young. 1) If you can’t talk about it, don’t do it. Especially don’t do it to please someone else. Period. 2)If you haven’t figured out how to give yourself pleasure, you’re not ready to have someone else do it for you.
I figure those two things cover a lot of bases in this area.
It does piss me off that in this day and age, girls (partners of these boys mostly) are getting to relax and enjoy sex less as the creative and fun adventure that it is. It seems they are often being asked to ‘perform’ to some online standard for some immature male who thinks he understands sexuality.
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Dec 7 2011
I would like to translate this video in my native language, Italian, can anybody tell me how to do it?
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Matt Z
Necessarily frank. Checking out the website later, though I wonder if it raises awareness of porn produced by women, i.e. ifeelmyself.com, abbywinters.com, etc. I suppose those might be considered softcore, but this 20-something finds these more believable than any hardcore.