…to masters of dark humor. There I was innocently surfing the web, when I came across this site, purveyors of profoundly demotivating posters such as the one below… (or, even better, this one.)
Naturally sunny, upbeat person that I am, I tut tutted for several minutes, before buying a dozen of their desktop plaques as Xmas gifts for people who are almost my friends. Here’s the order confirmation email I received. Pure genius.
Thank you for your recent order from Despair, Inc.
I’d like to personally welcome you to our growing body of Dissatisfied Customers(tm), but to do so might evidence some actual concern for service and protocol. This might then lead to customer satisfaction, which would defeat the purpose altogether. That is why you have received this generic, form-generated email, written by some nameless lackey in our marketing department.
Having established that any pretense of consideration for *your* needs would be counter-productive to our raison d’etre at Despair Inc, let us now ponder a subject of greater interest to those among us who are worthy of both of our collective attentions – that person being me.
While you sit there wincing in disbelief at these bons mots of authentic insincerity and vexed by the intrinsic contradictions, I find I am beside myselfwith awe at the specimen of unparalleled angst that is our most recent Despair Catalog. Hardly a man given to superlatives, I must nevertheless assert with David-Lee-Rothian boldness that we are demonstrably without peer in the Art of Demotivation®.
If any of the information shown below is inaccurate, please notify us immediately using our new Troubled Ticketing system. We will rectify your error immediately, and on some occasions,
without snickering.
It is the least we can do, which, as a matter of policy, is the most we can do.
Sincerely not really writing you this email,
E.L.